Bloom where you are planted 🌻
It's been a while since I've overshared. I always feel a little uneasy about these posts, as I have mentioned before. No one lives life completely independently, and so when I talk of my own life, I am on some level revealing parts, even very small parts of other people's lives. I always want to be respectful of my family and friends, so when I chat about my life it's important to me to be a little vague out of respect for the privacy of others.
I have lamented about the upcoming empty nest part of life for a while and my son did graduate in June. The very next day, he drove away, with me crying in the driveway, for the summer. Within three hours he called me, quite upset, he'd been in his first ever car accident. The Saturday afternoon traffic on I-5 was traveling at 60 ish miles per hour with not nearly enough space in between cars and he was sandwiched when the two cars in front of him, and the one behind him all met. His first car, he loved so much, a 2006 Subaru was totalled. We will get him a new car, probably next week when the cash from insurance come through, but it was a rough start to his summer.
He has a summer job as a skateboarding counselor and then will likely go straight to Bend, Oregon to start school, maybe coming home for a week or two. Maybe.
We also have had a change in our household, as I mentioned before, my brother in law is living in Ashland with us, after we came to understand he can't really live alone. Here is that tricky part, about how much to reveal about others. He is a disabled vet, and pretty mentally ill. My lovely, sweet husband has worked very hard to get him his 100% disability from the VA and he now has all his health care, emotional support, etc lined up. If you know anything about this, you know it's a big, time consuming job. And it's an act of love, for sure, for a sweet man who has had a hard go. And it's also really hard to change our lives, plans, home. I wish I could report that all of the self love I hoped to lean into a few blog posts ago had come to fruition, but not yet this summer. 😞
I have looked forward to moving to, or at least towards Portland for a few years now, knowing that this would be a little challenging, especially with 8 horses, but I am determined to live near my kids and have a bigger life this next part of my life. I love the country, but also, museums, concerts at actual arenas, bigger city life, more than 4-5 good restaurants to look forward to. Well, I am heart achy (but not quite heart broken) to say we are not moving north anytime soon.
There are many reasons, but the biggest one is that we can afford a place with my BIL here that allows for him to have his own space separate from me and my husband, but allows us to be close by for any help and support he needs. It's a lovely house and my husband will make it perfect. I feel like an asshole for being so ambivalent about it, but I am.
This is not a challenge in our marriage, but it's the first time I can think of that I really want something that I know we just cannot do. It really illustrates how easy (you know, ISH) things have been for us. I may drink gin all summer long and not do one hike. But I hope I can lean into this new understanding of how lucky and privileged we have been so far in our marriage and whole life, even with two sides of a family full of BIG characters, a blended home with 5 kids.
I may open a store in Ashland. I do like my new space that is not a storefront very much. I'm a little conflicted. But my store idea (not quite a dream) has been stewing for a long time and maybe I could just do it here in Ashland. Covid has made me feel like I could have a store that is open 4 days a week and get away with it if I can't find employees. I really wanted to do it in Portland. But as a very old friend Danielle says, "bloom where you are planted".
So, here I am, maybe I should try blooming?
Thanks for reading this, I hope I'm not too whiny. I am trying to pivot and well, that's hard as you get older. I'm sure I'll check in and let you know how that goes.